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The problem was that he had interpreted my laughter as enjoyment and my pleas for him to stop as a part of the game.Īs a trauma expert and mother of two, Cira cautions, “ignoring children’s boundaries, may inadvertently teach them that their bodies belong to adults or people who are bigger or have more power.”Įven nonverbal childrencan communicate whether they are enjoying certain types of play or not. He was trying to connect to the daughters he couldn’t talk to. His tickling was never inappropriate, only unwanted. When he did engage with us, it was usually in physical play.
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My dad grew up with only brothers and didn’t know how to relate to me or my younger sister. It also found that ticklish laughter is not necessarily indicative of pleasure and is likely an involuntary reflex. However, a study conducted by University of California researchers concluded that tickling can elicit a variety of reactions depending on the circumstances. “The negative effects come in when we’re not letting children set healthy boundaries.”Ĭharles Darwin hypothesized, “the mind must be in a pleasurable condition” to induce laughter. But continuing when the child wants to stop can cause distress. “Tickling can deepen feelings of love and attachment for both the child and the parent,” says Colleen Cira, psychologist and founder of The Cira Center for Behavior Health in Chicago. The difference is that my boys have a choice I didn’t. When goaded by my kids, I have even played with them this way.
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I know many children like tickling and most adults have happy memories associated with it. Everyone else seemed to enjoy it and I would ruin the fun with anything other than giggles and a cunning escape. Even though I wanted to claw at their eyes, I kept my fingernails tucked into my palms while trying to squirm free. When family tickled me, I was expected to be polite. I learned that my opinions and preferences didn’t matter, and it was easiest for everyone if I was a good girl. I grew up in the eighties in a family that required unquestioning respect of parents and elders. It didn’t invoke rage or make me want to kick, bite, hit, and scratch to defend myself as it does now. When I was small, it was uncomfortable but tolerable.